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| the road outside my house is paved with good intentions. intending to do exactly what you want me to do. ill tell you anything you want to hear because thats just who i am this week.
the road outside my house is paved with good intentions. i intend to do whatever i want to do. ill say what everyone else is thinking , i hope it burns your ears and stains your eyes. i wont apologize or accept apologies. theyre too late, they make me sick.
I'm thinking of my soul's sovereignty,
and I know everything you hate in me.
Fill me up with over-pious badgerings,
to throw them up, oh, one of my favorite things.
Remember all the lessons fed to me?
Me the young sponge, so ready to agree.
Years have gone; I recognize the walking dead,
now aware that I'm alive and way ahead.
Too bad the things that make you mad
are my favorite things.
And I'm so happy.
I see you looking, I know that you're thinking
that I'll never go anywhere.
The things that I've done and the things
that I've seen, I don't really expect you to care.
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| i just wrote a few pages half a journal entry and half a story. then the ferret icarus jumped on the table, walked on the keyboard, and its been erased. but first he typed hgggggggggggbbbbbbbbiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. i love those fucking bastards, always ruining everything, then always snuggling up with you. ive just noticed ferrets are much like boys.
this world is such a lonely place when surrounded constantly by loved ones. ones that love. ones that loved. ones in love. and the ones that won. ive won but yet i still feel like ive failed at everything. stupid depression. my life is great. i have love coming in all directions from the most beautiful people anyone could have in their life and i feel like im pushing them away. i think the problem is do i love myself enough to forgive myself for making mistakes in school? 3 big F's. i have to forgive myself. everyone makes mistakes over and over and over again. i have to get rid of this guilt. but thats what happens when you lie to everyone about your grades, never asking for help not even once. how can i be going anywhere toward my goal if i cant start out the path right? well, it wasnt all a waste of time since ive learned something from my failure. time management. problem solving. take your medicine everyday even if your stomach hurts. i cant hold down full time school, part time job, friends, family, and a relationship. its my fault. i just need to forgive myself and see that just because i couldnt do all of this doesnt mean i cant do anything.
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| its raging through my brain. it was once barren and not even cold. my body's not even cold. now its raging raining im on fire let me burn after all i do deserve something in return. the truth is selective and all i hear is static. i feel like its not enough just to be me. being my true self is exhausting. letting people see who i am but that changes now and then. i exchange myselves violating the exchange policy which usually never exists. from there and then. even back again. ill talk to you if you show me you want me to. when im too much of myself, when im too excited, when i talk too much, or talk too little i see the look in their eyes, the look you give to the a.d.d kid or your room mates annoying child. or the look you give to the crazes in their dazes. you think theyre the offspring of the incompetent. they are socially fake. i try so hard to be alive. and i am. im going to die dead or alive and id like to be there to witness my death. i miss lyric. cassie. lucy. sam. the triangle -> square. the best friends that know me the best where being myself is comfortable for my brain. i dont want to get nostalgic now. not without my friends there. i want to sit around the table covered in candle wax because cassie just cant help herself. the ashtrays overflowing, abandoned schmiggs with hobos and ham samwhiches, elmer fudds, the perfect trio, sticking my hand into the piles of broken glass... i need to relax. party at stephs next weekend? dont forget my cutting party big party big party alice in wonderland. 3 years motherfuckers and still holding on. all the pucker i can fit in my stomach.
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| excuse me but its my turn to be emo. im an emotional little girl who needs to be taken care of sometimes. often times i am quite capable of taking care of myself physically and emotionally but right now i need to be needed so much that you can see it and you slap me so hard to snap me out of this trance and when i blink you snatch me up and hide me where when i open my eyes i'll know where i am. i want to go home. pretending took no effort. forcing myself to admit that i have to use my imagination has stopped me on my way, grounding me, stealing my energy. maybe ive stolen myself, throwing me into a reality i wrote myself, making me think i didnt choose the part. either way i'll play it and make it seem sincere. either way im not where i want to be. im not where i wanted to be. and im not sure im even where i deserve to be, whether or not i deserve more or less i dont know. what happened to all of my dreams. i woke up like socrates. ive never regretted anything i have ever done, even the most sinister, dirty, immoral, and horrible things. i still dont. but it feels like regret, at least its the first word that comes to mind to describe this. not remorse. maybe mourning...mourning what i could have become, what i could have but dont. im not asking for much. im asking too much of myself and not enough of you. maybe im mourning waste. i wont use the word wish. i wish i wasnt being used. no. i wish i wasnt being taken advantage of. thats better. | | |
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I heard this old story before
Where the people keep appealing for the metaphors
Don't leave much up to the imagination,
So I, wanna give this imagery back
But I know it just ain't so easy like that
So, I turn the page and read the story again
And again and again
It sure seems the same, with a different name
We're breaking and rebuilding
And we're growing
Always guessing
Never knowing
Shocking but we're nothing
We're just moments
We're Clever but we're clueless
We're just human
Amusing but confusing
Were trying but where is this all leading
Never Know
It all happened so much faster
Than you could say disaster
Wanna take a time lapse
And look at it backwards
From the last one
And maybe thats just the answer
That we're after
But after all
We're just a bubble in a boiling pot
Just one breath in a chain of thought
The moments just combusting
Feel certain but we'll never never know
Just seems the same
Give it a different name
We're beggin and we're needin
And we're trying and we're breathing
Never knowing
Shocking but we're nothing
We're just moments
We're Clever but we're clueless
We're just human
Amusing but confusing
Helping, we're building
And we're growing
Never Know
Knock knock on the door to door
Tell ya that the metaphor is better than yours
And you can either sink or swim
Things are looking pretty grim
If you dont believe in what this one feeding
Its got no feeling
So I read it again
And again and again
Just seems the same
Too many different names
Our hearts are strong our hands are weak
We'll always be competing never knowing
Never knowing
Shocking but we're nothing
We're just moments
We're Clever but we're clueless
We're just human
Amusing but confusing
But the truth is
All we got is questions
We'll Never Know
Never Know
Never Know
mr. jack johnson always seems to save me when im in virginia
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